It’s Good To Talk: Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas…

Why do we stop writing lists of what we want as we grow older? I guess we tell ourselves our needs don’t matter—that wanting things is childish, or indulgent, or something we are no longer entitled to!

We become busy making other lists (often they are not very nice) and sometimes they are checked twice, mostly out of anxiety and stress rather than joy.

At Christmas, many people feel pressure to behave a certain way or provide certain things and these expectations and demands can have a negative impact on mental health.

We are led to believe that the focus is meant to be on the fun and magic but depending on what’s going on for you—Christmas may be far from a pleasant time of year in your life.

Let’s talk about some real life things people may have to explore this Christmas and how we might look at healthy controls and compassion to see it through in a more healing, helpful and positive way

Grief at Christmas

If you are grieving this Christmas I am so sorry for whatever loss you experienced. Unfortunately grief doesn’t take holidays nor is it a disruption to Christmas. It’s a part of the story for many families.

Making space for acknowledging your loss often softens rather than worsens the experience.

At Christmas, absence is often highlighted. This might be through losing someone to death, divorce/separation, family estrangement, the loss of your home or health. Grief can come in waves at any stage and Christmas can be very hard on people.

Be gentle with yourself and your expectations of yourself. If you’re grieving this Christmas, consider: Lighting a candle for the person you miss, or creating something in their memory to hang on your Christmas tree—this can help some people feel connected to their loved one (including pet loss) Others may find comfort in sharing stories or memories or honoring the person through a special meal or song.

These small rituals are helpful for emotional processing and deepening your sense of connection.

‘Give yourself the best gift of all this Christmas - the gift of time’

If you are not in your home this Christmas, do what you can to incorporate a feeling of connection to it, whether that is through home comforts, familiar items or keeping important rituals or traditions you normally associate with your own home. Acknowledge that Christmas will feel different without certain people part of it.

This focus is for those that may be experiencing loss of a friendship, family connection or partner.

To help your loss, consider what you can adjust, reshape, or introduce so you’re able to focus on what can be meaningful now, instead of dwelling on how it used to be.

Give yourself room to feel whatever emotions come up. Pushing them aside until after Christmas doesn’t help you heal.

Allow yourself to acknowledge what you’re feeling. Turning to alcohol, emotional eating or other unhelpful coping habits only creates distance. Your emotions deserve care and attention, not avoidance.

Navigating Family Dynamics

We spend time at Christmas with some people that we may not really socialise much with throughout the year and old dynamics can resurface quickly.

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It’s common to experience sibling rivalries, critical parents, unresolved tensions as well as crossed boundaries and extra pressure. To ensure you have the Christmas you deserve, it's worth putting plans in place to support yourself and look at what you can accept, what you do not need to accept and how you might alter and adapt to situations as they arise.

Set Boundaries in Advance

It’s ok to say no, it’s ok to say how long you can commit to something for. It’s ok to offer alternative plans. There is more harmony in it being a win, win for all parties, however that is not always possible.

At Christmas, with added pressures and being extra busy we can get caught off-guard and say “yes” before we realise it so always give yourself permission to say you “need to think about it” or “I will get back to you” before committing. It’s helpful to decide your limits before stepping into the situation.

A gift for you!

Give yourself the best gift of all this Christmas - the gift of time. Spend more time on YOU and you can do that if you spend less time and energy on things that are not in-line with your values, needs or wants. That might be on people who are energy drainers, it might be on negative thinking, over thinking, mind reading or being self-critical. Remember this is your Christmas too. There are no secret Santa prizes for always putting others before you. Make yourself, at the very least, of equal priority.

Pause Before Responding

If someone makes a hurtful or intrusive comment, pause. Breathe. Many conflicts escalate because we respond from a triggered, younger part of ourselves.

This technique may be helpful to explore. Think S.T.O.P S – Simply pause what you are doing and don’t react automatically. T for TIME-OUT – Take some time-out from what you are doing or remove yourself from the situation, go to the bathroom, excuse yourself to make a call, get a drink or grab some fresh air. O for Observe – Notice what is happening inside and outside your body in terms of thoughts, feelings and sensations in your body.

Gather information on what is going on for you—what has been triggered or what fear or belief might be being activated. P for Proceed – Go with what supports you best rather than acting on impulse.

Make your decision with your wellbeing as priority.

Creating a Christmas That Fits Your Life Instead of trying to fit life into Christmas, focus on reshaping Christmas to fit into your life. Forget what you see on television and social media and avoid comparing your life to anyone else’s.

You do you and make yourself only accountable to you (where possible) Ask yourself what traditions are important to you and which ones feel like an obligation, then decide how you will move forward with altering and adapting—to enjoy your style of Christmas.

What are the genuine meaningful connections that you enjoy and can you prioritize being part of those experiences rather than engagement with energy drainers? Your physical and mental energy is not endless. You cannot pour from an empty cup!

Connection Doesn’t Always Mean Company

Loneliness at Christmas is real, but being alone doesn’t automatically mean being disconnected. What matters is meaningful connection, not the number of people around you.

This might be connection with a message to a friend, a call with someone you trust, time with a pet, or even random kindness shared with a neighbour or stranger.

Connection with yourself can also be important on many levels so try quiet time by going for a walk, journaling, listening to music or getting headspace to acknowledge your feelings or process the day—this isn’t always easy but can offer grounding and comfort, especially if you are feeling overwhelmed.

If we are not careful Christmas can become the season of overwhelm rather than joy so if you feel emotions, anxiety or thoughts building up, don’t ignore them, give them the attention they deserve.

If you know someone who may be on their own, calling in-person, on the phone or a little text can make a big difference.

We used to be a nation that loved to cèilidh and at Christmas maybe it’s a time to go back to some traditions and spend some time visiting those that might really benefit from the company—if that is you, don’t be afraid to reach out and ask people to call over. Someone might be grateful for the invite.

All I want for Christmas

This Christmas I hope you remember one simple thing—Christmas doesn’t have to be perfect, and neither do you! This year Christmas might be magical, messy, emotional, comforting, overwhelming and sometimes all in the same day and that’s completely okay! You are not doing Christmas wrong if it’s not perfect or great all of the time. You are human and life happens regardless of the season!

This year, give yourself the same compassion you might gift to other people. Let go of the pressure to perform or pretend.

Allow yourself to rest, to take a breath, to say no when you need to, and to choose what actually feels good for you.

Making decisions for you is not selfish; they are healthy, protective, and grounding. Whether your Christmas is busy, quiet, complicated, or calm, I hope you find glimmers of warmth. And above all, I hope you remember that you deserve care, comfort, and kindness especially from yourself!

All good wishes this Christmas and for the year ahead! Tracy xxx