It’s Good To Talk: Life got busy… but what about our friends?

It was easy. Back in school or college, friends were simply there.

You saw them every day, knew what was happening in their lives and somehow managed to spend hours together without checking anyone’s diary.

Fast forward a few years and meeting a friend can feel like trying to arrange a summit between world leaders.

Six months can pass and you are still saying, “We really must catch up soon.” If this sounds familiar, you are certainly not alone. It happens to me too. We often have the best intentions and a genuine desire to stay connected, but somehow life gets in the way.

Friendship comes up far more often in the counselling room than people might expect. Time and again, I hear people wondering where those close friendships have gone.

One of the questions I often ask is: “Tell me about your support network and your friends.”

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Support network

Friends can be one of our greatest support networks — close enough to care, yet sometimes distant enough to offer perspective without being directly involved.

It is common for friendships to drift, not necessarily because people have fallen out or stopped caring, but simply because life has become busy.

Somewhere between careers, mortgages, children, aging parents, relationships, appointments, laundry and trying to remember what is for dinner, friendships can slip down the priority list.

The funny thing is that many of us assume everyone else is doing a much better job of staying connected than we are.

We look at social media and see photos of birthday lunches, weekends away and smiling groups of friends.

What we do not see are the weeks spent trying to find a date that suits everyone, the last-minute cancellations or the messages saying, “Sorry, I’m exhausted, can we do it another time?”

Real life

Real life is far less picture-perfect than Instagram suggests.Friendships also change as we get older, and that is completely normal.

The friends who were perfect for us at twenty may not fit as easily into our lives at forty or fifty.People move away, jobs change, families grow and interests shift. None of this means anyone has failed — it simply means life continues to evolve.

Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking that if we do not see someone often, the friendship is no longer important.But think about that friend you have not seen in over a year — the one you meet for coffee and within five minutes it feels as though no time has passed at all.

One of the greatest gifts a friend can offer is not always advice — it is presence.

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Being listened to without judgement can be far more healing than someone trying to fix everything.

Sometimes we underestimate what happens during an ordinary conversation. Talking with someone we trust can help us organise our thoughts, gain perspective and calm an overwhelmed mind. We often leave feeling lighter, not because our problems have disappeared, but because we no longer feel we are carrying them alone.

Supportive friendships are an important part of our mental wellbeing.

They do not remove stress or prevent difficult experiences, but they can soften the impact by reminding us that someone knows us, understands us and cares about how we are doing.There is something deeply reassuring about spending time with people who know our story. Friends often remember versions of us that we may have forgotten ourselves, especially during periods when stress or self-doubt affects our confidence. Those friendships are precious.

They remind us that connection is not always measured by how often we meet, but by how we feel when we are together.

That said, friendships do need attention. They do not survive on good intentions alone. I often say: “Friendships are a bit like fireplaces. You don’t need to keep throwing on huge logs, but every now and then you need to add a little fuel, or the fire starts to die down.”

How many times have you thought about texting someone but decided they were probably too busy? The belief that we might be bothering people can stop us from reaching out. The interesting thing is that someone else could be wondering exactly the same thing about you.

Friendships do not have to mean weekly lunches or daily phone calls. Sometimes it is the small things that matter most — a funny message from someone who knows you have had a difficult week, or a simple “How are you?” from a person who genuinely wants to know.

Feeling connected

While friendships cannot solve every problem, feeling connected to another person can make life’s challenges feel more manageable.

Knowing someone is in your corner can change the way we carry difficult days.As a counsellor, I also notice that many adults experience loneliness but feel reluctant to admit it.

There is still a misconception that loneliness only affects older people or those who live alone. That is not true.You can be surrounded by colleagues, family members and social media notifications and still feel deeply disconnected.

Loneliness is not about the number of people around you; it is about feeling seen, understood and valued.

That is why someone can have a busy social life and still feel profoundly lonely.The good news is that meaningful friendships do not usually require huge gestures. It might mean being the person who sends the first message instead of waiting. It could mean suggesting a quick coffee rather than trying to organise an entire day out.

There is also something to be said for lowering our expectations of ourselves. We are all carrying more than people realise.

The parent smiling at school pick-up may be worried about an elderly parent.

The colleague who appears organised may be surviving on four hours’ sleep. The friend who keeps cancelling plans may not be losing interest — they may simply be overwhelmed.

Vulnerable

Our instinct is often to withdraw when we feel emotionally vulnerable. Unfortunately, that is usually the time when connection is needed most.

Even a brief conversation can interrupt the cycle of feeling alone with our thoughts. If someone keeps saying they are “fine” but your instincts tell you otherwise, do not be afraid to check in again a few days later.

Consistent, gentle support can quietly say, “You matter to me.”A little compassion and kindness can go a long way.

Research consistently shows that having a handful of close, supportive relationships contributes far more to our wellbeing than having a huge number of acquaintances. We are not designed to maintain deep relationships with everyone. A few people who truly know us are often enough.

Maybe it is time we stopped measuring friendship by how often we meet or how many likes we receive on a photo. Instead, perhaps we should measure it by something much simpler.

Who makes you feel like yourself? Who can you call when life is not going well? Who leaves you feeling better after a conversation?

Those are the relationships worth investing in.

I hope, wherever you are, there is someone who makes you smile, listens without rushing you and reminds you that you never have to carry everything on your own.

Those small moments of connection are often the ones that stay with us the longest.

Until next time, take good care of yourselves and of each other.

All good wishes,Tracy xx

Counselling available in person from Serenity House Moville, F93 Y138 or remotely via zoom/telephone 086 3891917 email:[email protected] - Facebook/instagram @tracymckeaguecounselling