Barrtalk: Minus five stars for the new ‘Melania’ documentary movie, please

I haven’t seen the new feature-length profile of Melania Trump – and, let’s face it, I likely never will, given who she’s married to, and given that she comes off as interesting as a conversation about the good old days with someone 70-plus.

By all accounts, the film is bad. In fact, it’s so bad that its cutting reviews are gaining far more traction than the actual documentary itself.

The Guardian newspaper – which I predictably love anyway – has gone a further notch up in my estimation after awarding ‘Melania’ [self-titled] a grand total of zero stars. I wonder if that has ever happened before? I doubt it.

It might have been tempting to award it minus five stars, but it’s probably better to keep it in terms that Trump will understand and stick with zero. Imagine having to explain to Donald that there are numbers less than zero!

The two-hour-long Melania opened with a paltry total of €37,992 at the UK and Ireland box office combined on its opening weekend. To put that into context, Hamnet took in €1,623,988 for the same weekend, even though it’s already been out for almost a month.

Hamnet has now taken €17 million in the UK and Ireland over its four weeks on release. But comparing the wife of Trump to the son of Shakespeare will be enough to have the Bard’s bones spinning in their final resting place, and we must stop immediately.

The Irish Times has labelled the Melania documentary “shameless propaganda that could put you to sleep,” while the Telegraph goes a step further, likening it to North Korea-style state propaganda.

All of which is hardly an endorsement to watch it for those of us who haven’t yet, and likely never will.

Although, like with a road traffic collision, I do concede that I am intrigued and compelled to have a look just to see for myself how bad it is.

Doubtless, Trump will be criticising the Oscars with full force next month, when his wife’s movie fails to sweep the boards at the Academy Awards ceremony in Los Angeles.

Incidentally, the bookies’ favourite to win the 2026 Oscar for Best Documentary Feature is ‘The Perfect Neighbor’, a powerful and heart-rending film about the racist shooting of a black mum by her white neighbour in 2023. It’s on Netflix now, and it’s one everyone should see.

The Winter Olympics are on

The Winter Olympics are on in Italy at the moment, which means we’ll all be experts on curling, biathlon, ski jump and bobsleigh by the end of the week.

For a relatively niche event, the Winter Olympics has delivered some of the most infamous and iconic moments in modern sports, including Tonya Harding vs Nancy Kerrigan at Lillehammer in 1994; and before that, there was Eddie the Eagle (Calgary, 1988) and Torvill and Dean’s perfect Boléro at Sarajevo in 1984.

This is also the time every four years when I suddenly fall in love with ice hockey, before amnesia sets in once again.

Even though I often struggle to follow the puck, such is the blurry speed of play at times, I can fully appreciate the intricate passing and skillful flicks, as much as the heavy hits and breakneck collisions.

Why I only watch ice hockey during the Olympics is something of a mystery. Not for Her Indoors, though, she says it’s because I can’t possibly fit in time for another sport, among the already-watched-religiously: football, cricket, GAA, darts, American football, golf, tennis, WWE, and snooker, among others.

I watched the new Netflix documentary ‘Miracle: The Boys of ’80’, which tells the story of the USA’s highly improbable triumph over the Soviet Union ice hockey team during the Lake Placid Winter Olympics in 1980.

This was a CCCP red-jerseyed team that swept all before it and had stuffed the US 10-3 in the weeks leading up to the games – but somehow the Yanks pulled off the unthinkable and won the gold medal.

The Wall Street Journal dubbed it ‘A Cold-War Victory on Ice’ for obvious reasons, given the opponents involved.

It’s a bit schmaltzy – and fails to get anything from the Russian perspective – but ‘Miracle: The Boys of ’80’ is certainly well worth a look for those who love sporting underdog stories, like me.

The Canadians are favoured to win the gold at Milano Cortina this month, followed closely behind by the Americans, whose standing has obviously improved since 1980.

John Virgo, a true legend of snooker

And finally this week, I couldn’t let another Barrtalk slip by without mention of my old friend John Virgo, who has died suddenly from illness aged 79.

I never met JV, of course, but he feels like an old friend because he has been the voice of snooker for the past 35 years or so, a period covering much of my lifetime love of the game.

Tributes have poured in for the former player turned BBC commentator from Salford, who always seemed like one of those guys you’d love to share a pint with: warm, genuine and funny.

Virgo’s witty insight and glowing gravitas lit up many encounters that otherwise would have been dull as dishwater down the years, and his brand of colour will certainly be much missed long into the future.

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Some of his catchphrases – “Where’s the cue ball going?” – will live on for decades to come yet, which will be a comfort to his family.

He remained active in the sport until his final weeks, commentating on the snooker Masters final just a few weeks ago. It’s hard to believe we won’t hear his enthusiastic voice at the World Championships this year.

He was also a huge Manchester United fan and was in the crowd in the Nou Camp in 1999 when the Reds came back from the dead to win the Champions League and the historic treble. Obviously, a man of taste as well as class.

Rest in peace John Virgo, a true legend of snooker.