It's Good To Talk: ‘The only cure for grief is to grieve’

Grief.  A small word loaded with many feelings.

It’s important to say from the outset that grief is a very individual thing. It’s often raw, complicated, frightening and very lonely.

If you are  grieving; I am truly sorry for your loss! I like most people, wish I could take away your pain but unfortunately no one can and that’s the hard part. This is your journey and your loss and only you know how every waking minute is.

During the grieving process it might indeed be every minute that is hard or every day or even every dreaded night. As time goes on people might stop mentioning your loss.

It might feel like people don’t know what to say. It might feel like a big jumble of everything - all swirling around in your head.

There are stages of grief but again they don’t go in order, some you might experience intensely, other stages might not even register with you. It’s helpful to know what those stages are so you can understand what’s going on for you. 

Shock

Even when you anticipate the loss of a loved one through illness you can still very much experience shock. Nothing ever truly prepares you for loss. During shock you may not be behaving as you would expect in the circumstances because the body has not processed the loss yet or as we often refer to it as “not having sunk in”.

This is the body’s way of gradually preparing us or reducing overwhelm. If you are supporting someone at this stage, it really is a gentle arm and your presence that might be most helpful. Sometimes we need words of comfort and sometimes there are no words!

Denial

Life-changing events like death can seem surreal. ‘Is this really happening’ moments might be peppered throughout all of the grieving process.

Your grief is simply being spaced out so you can manage it. You may notice your behaviour is different, you may want to avoid people and retreat or you might make yourself extremely busy as a coping mechanism.

Everyone is different but all your feelings are very valid during grieving. Please try not to be hard on yourself, you don’t deserve that!

Anger

During any of the grieving stages people can feel intense emotions or various levels of numbness. People may feel anger towards the person they lost or anger at the circumstances or events leading up to the person passing on.

Anger is a normal part of the grieving process. It is helpful to find ways to express anger and work through it rather than suppressing it. It can be helpful to find support through friends, family or professionals to aid your healing. You do not have to go it alone!

Bargaining

During this stage you may experience a lot of “what ifs” and “if only” statements. It can very much feel that the situation you are in is beyond your control and this can lead to feeling of powerlessness. It’s important to honour your feelings at any stage and acknowledge that those feelings are not connected to a right or wrong way to grieve. 

Depression

This stage is often referred to as the “quieter” stage. It’s common at this part of the process to feel confused, numb or as many people refer to it as ‘heavy’.

You may want to stay away from people, retreat and avoid the world. Grief and loneliness go hand-in-hand with depression and this may intensify and become overwhelming. People can often experience profound sadness, hopelessness, and emptiness.

Depression is a normal and appropriate response to grief, however, if you feel stuck at the depression stage it is imperative to speak to your GP or a mental health professional.

There can also be many physical symptoms of depression, such as insomnia, fatigue, poor concentration and changes in appetite and the list can be extensive.

Self-care at any stage of grieving is important but particularly during depression. This is a time where outside help can be very beneficial and if you don’t feel like reaching out please do accept help from those that are reaching in.

It’s okay to say you are not okay. Be kind to yourself, your loved one would want you to get the help and support that you need!

Acceptance

This stage is not about moving on from your loss or grief but having acceptance of a new way of being.It does not mean that you do not experience the pain of your loss but instead you may now be able to accept the reality of your loss.

People may start to focus on more positive memories of their loved one when the sense of being overwhelmed subsides. Hopefully at this stage people start to see less darker days as daily life improves.

It’s worth noting that guilt may appear when you experience happiness or a lighter mood, however, any positive feelings do not take away from your love for the person you lost.

Moving on does not mean that you have forgotten them. Lastly, I think it is important to acknowledge other types of grief that people experience.

Miscarriage

When we talk about grief in the context of loneliness, losing a baby can be a very lonely experience for people. 

Firstly, few might be aware of your loss so, therefore, it is not acknowledged and you might have to go about your daily life carrying pain and grief that is outwardly masked.

Sometimes people don’t know what to say or may think that the person may not want to talk about it.

There is a lot of healing in being heard and a lot of power in being able to say “right now, I just need someone to listen” or “I need a hug or space”. 

It’s important to acknowledge that miscarriage can have a profound and emotional impact on you, your partner and family - this might happen instantly or weeks, months or years later.

READ NEXT: Rathmullan to host RAMP Festival for 2025

If your partner is sharing in this process with you, they might experience their loss in a completely different way. Understanding each other’s emotions will be healing and helpful and communicating with each other is very important.

There is help available through your GP, Miscarriage Association of Ireland or through online miscarriage forums. Please do not go this alone, you deserve support.

Tears are helpful but they might not always come when you want or expect them to. No one knows how you feel but do honor you, your loss and your pain. 

Loss of a pet

We lost our Collie dog in October after 12 years. The kids did not know a life without her and myself and my husband felt she was our baby before our babies arrived.

I remember my first feeling was of denial. I couldn’t imagine life without her. Luckily people appreciate pets and the loss associated with pets more now than years ago and no one, thankfully, said, ‘she was just a dog’.

Grief isn’t comparable. It’s just there. I think people move on from pet grief quicker than they would like to because there seems to be an unwritten rule that we believe certain losses are acceptable and certain losses don’t need as much attention. Tell that to our heart or emotions, they feel grief in a big way!

There are online pet loss support groups and I really feel other animal lovers understand pet loss so surrounding yourself with your kind of people will be a good support!

Whatever type of grief you are going through, please give yourself permission to grief - be patient with yourself. Grief is not linear and it may take time to accept and adjust to your loss.

“Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.” - Earl Grollman.

All good wishes, 

Tracy x