It’s Good To Talk: The emotional cost of always being the strong one

How often do we praise people for being “strong”?

They are the ones we may lean on during crises, the person that stays calm when emotions run high, and the person who keeps going no matter how hard things become. We see this type of strength with admiration! 

However in the counselling room, I frequently hear a quieter truth that comes with that label of being the “strong” one. It can come with a significant emotional cost to the person on the other end of that strength.

What does it mean to be “the strong one”?

Being the strong one isn’t about physical strength, the focus is on emotional strength or the appearance of it. We are led to believe that “strong” people are dependable, self-sufficient, and composed.

I find many of them are the problem-solvers in their families, the emotional anchors in friendships, or the responsible ones at work. Too often, they are seen as people who “cope well.”

Other traits that I have noticed - they do not complain much, they push through discomfort, and they manage their responsibilities even when they are overwhelmed themselves.

However, their overwhelm tends to be kept inside. Over time, this identity can become deeply ingrained, not just in how others see them, but in how they see themselves.

How this role often develops

Many people who see themselves as the “strong one” did not choose this role consciously. It often develops early in their life.

For some, it begins in childhood, maybe growing up in environments where emotional needs were unmet, unpredictable, or unsafe, children then tend to learn that staying strong is a way to survive.

‘As a counsellor, how I work with the clients depends on their individual needs and it is important to look at the origins of the problem to see where they are rooted in the here-and-now’

They might become the helper, the mediator, or the “easy child” who does not add to the burden. Others learn that showing vulnerability leads to disappointment, criticism, or neglect, so they adjust in the only way they know how - by suppressing their own needs.

As people grow into adulthood, these early coping strategies can turn into fixed patterns. People tend to do what they know so being strong becomes familiar.

This can be exhausting but it may feel safer to care for others than to risk needing care themselves.

When I explain this to clients it is often met with a release of emotion. It makes sense for them. They can now understand their way of being and often that’s what counselling is about, understanding, applying care and compassion and making changes if you want or need to. We might then look at the hidden emotional costs for the client.

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Acknowledging that strength can indeed be a valuable resource but always HAVING to being the strong one can have a negative impact if not addressed.

The emotional and wellbeing cost to the person in minimizing or ignoring their own feelings might be sadness, fear, and anger – all of which might be pushed aside to maintain control or to avoid burdening others. As much as many would like, suppressed emotions do not disappear over time - they often resurface as anxiety, irritability, numbness, or physical symptoms such as fatigue and tension and this list can be endless.

Loneliness

Ironically, people who support everyone else can feel very alone. When others assume someone is “fine,” they may never think to check-in or offer support to the person who appears strong.

We label some people without realizing so that “strong” one might never get the attention they need or indeed deserve! Strong people may often struggle to let others see their vulnerability,  this reinforces a sense of emotional isolation or loneliness. 

They are simply not used to relying on others. Having to ask for help might trigger guilt, shame, or fear of appearing weak. People may feel pressure to live up to others’ expectations, even when they are struggling and the fear of disappointing can be very real. 

The option for setting boundaries and slowing down may feel unattainable and can lead to burnout.

If we keep withdrawing from the emotional bank without replacing it, there is going to be negative effects on emotion and mental wellbeing. Because being strong is seen as a virtue the idea of not being strong feels threatening.

A really important point to focus on here is strength may be tied to safety, worth, or belonging and if someone has learned that they are valued for what they provide rather than for who they are, vulnerability can feel risky.

There may also be a fear that if they stop holding everything together, everything will fall apart. In counselling, this fear often emerges with beliefs such as “If I don’t do it, no one will” or “I can’t afford to fall apart.” 

These beliefs are understandable, especially for someone who has had to be self-reliant for a long time. The downside is that belief can keep people stuck in cycles of over-responsibility and emotional neglect.

Strength and vulnerability are not opposites

Allowing vulnerability does not mean giving up strength. It means expanding it. It creates space for being real and true to yourself.

In counselling, when clients begin to shift away from the “always strong” role, it isn’t about giving up responsibility or stopping caring for others, it is about balance, which in turn, can allow for healthier relationships with others and themselves. 

Relearning balance

This might begin with small steps that start with noticing your own emotions instead of dismissing them and then allowing people you trust to offer help.

Setting gentle boundaries around time and energy is very important.

It is helpful to know who and what drains your energy so you can see things with a new pair of eyes to make changes which conserve your energy and emotional wellbeing.

An important and big one I ask the client to spend time on is letting go of the belief that worth depends on endurance and what you do rather than who you are. 

Counselling can be a particularly valuable space for people who carry the label of “strong one” because it offers a place where they do not have to perform, do anything or hold everything together.

Over time, counselling can challenge deeply held assumptions about the person’s safety, control, and self-worth.

As a counsellor, how I work with the clients depends on their individual needs and it is important to look at the origins of the problem to see where they are rooted in the here-and-now. 

Dear reader 

 If you are someone who has always been the strong one, it is important to acknowledge and check if there is an emotional or wellbeing cost to you.

The coping strategies that once protected you may now be contributing to exhaustion or emotional distance. You are allowed to rest and you too are allowed to struggle.

Give yourself permission to be supported, even if you are used to being the supporter.

Happiness or contentment can come from balance and give and take is important. If something is one sided it’s not healthy or always sustainable. 

You are important, always remember that, hold that thought until it becomes a belief. Mind yourselves!

All Good wishes, 

Tracy xx